To my mother and father: My love and gratitude for gifting life to me. It has been challenging for us, but I carry our ancestral energy in my heart without fear or doubt, my head held high.
To my wife, daughter and son, who gift my life with joy every day and inspire me to be a better version of myself.
To all my mentors and teachers: Thank you for your patience and trust. I have seen deeper and higher because of your wisdom.
To Pachamama and the Sacred Medicines: For removing the veil and revealing beyond illusion.
To all seekers: We’re all one family, children of Mother Earth under the light of Father Sun, passing through toward the infinite light.
My brothers and sisters, if the light is in you, the light in this text will respond and subtly guide you.
* Foreword: A Call to Share
* Chapter 1: The Spark of Inspiration
* Chapter 2: The Essence of My Journey
* Chapter 3: Can Drugs Improve Your Life? Defining Plant Medicines
* Chapter 4: First Things First – Words of Caution and Belief
* Chapter 5: Why I Wrote This Book
* Chapter 6: Roots of the Path – Bugs in My Software
* Chapter 7: Teenage Years – Lost in the Haze
* Chapter 8: Gateway to the Spirit World – Santa Maria
* Chapter 9: Steps into the Light – Ceremonies and Shamans
* Chapter 10: Journeys with Sacred Medicines
* Uni (Ayahuasca)
* Kambo
* Bufo
* Magic Mushrooms
* Peyote
* Rumé (Rapé)
* Spirit Animals
* Chapter 11: The Most Amazing Year of My Life – Global Quests and Mongolia
* Chapter 12: Grief, Growth, and Return – Brazil and Beyond
* Chapter 13: Trusting Intuition and Dreams – From Rainforest to Enlightenment
* Chapter 14: Destructive Truths and Unlearning – Reconstructing Reality
* Chapter 15: Self-Knowledge and Overcoming Doubt
* Chapter 16: Faith – Indestructible Self-Belief
* Chapter 17: Enlightenment – Wake Up and Heal Yourself
* Chapter 18: Death – Facing the Ultimate Teacher
* Chapter 19: The Real “Most” Amazing Year of My Life – Family and Integration
* Chapter 20: A Capitalistic Shaman – The End, or Just the Beginning
* Bonus: Accumulated Wisdom from Ceremonies
* Epilogue: Prayers and Meditations to Increase Your Vibration
Dear reader, this book is a raw autobiography woven from short stories, hard-earned wisdom, and the transformative fire of plant medicines—written and compiled with the help of Grok. It's not just a collection of tales, but a testament to the depths of personal healing and the boundless potential of human energy.
Over nearly two decades, I've journeyed from trauma's shadows to enlightenment's light, healing wounds I didn't know I carried—from accidental enlightenment to profound self-discovery, all threaded with spirituality, family, and growth. Inspired by a chance encounter with a wise elder during a simple taxi ride, where he urged me to record my stories for my children and humanity, I've compiled this as both a guide and a mirror.
It's what I wish I'd known when I started: the beauty, the traps, the oneness. As we embark on this path together, I invite you to reflect on your own. May these words spark your inner light and ignite something within you, as they have for me.
It all began with a client who reignited my passion for storytelling. I hadn't driven for Uber—or its equivalent—in about six months. One day, I decided to get back behind the wheel, simply to "put some work energy in motion." Little did I know how profoundly that intention would manifest.
My first passenger was an 80-year-old mathematician, crippled but sharp as a tack. He'd built critical software infrastructure for the Estonian government. As he struggled into the car, cursing under his breath—"Fuck, it’s difficult to get in"—I felt an immediate connection.
Our 15-minute drive turned into a deep conversation. He shared his life stories, and I opened up about my adventures with plant medicines and shamanism. We vibed on a cosmic level, discussing God, oneness, and the interconnectedness of everything.
He urged me to record these experiences—for my children, their children, and humanity at large. As we parted at his destination, he said, "May God protect you." I was covered in goosebumps, a sensation I hadn't felt in ages. He mentioned his cousin worked for Elon Musk in Silicon Valley, adding an unexpected layer of synchronicity.
No new ride came immediately, so I pulled over and noticed an Audi with license plates ending in 940 driving away. Numbers like 4 and 9 have been following me—on neighbors' cars, around the city. It's a vibrational sign, a reminder of the energies at play. Energized, I sought out a book by Jaan Kaplinski, the author he'd recommended. That encounter was the catalyst for this book.
Here I sit, writing in a cozy bar near my home in Laulasmaa, Estonia. The sea breeze whispers through the windows, and I realize I actually enjoy this spot. One day, I'll own land by the ocean, with a dream house for my family. But that's my vision—yours might be different, dear reader, or dear child of mine.
Why share this journey? Because mine could be one of history's greatest comebacks. My energy is unmatched, perhaps the first accumulation of its kind in human history. Arrogant? Maybe. But consider this: we're in an era of firsts, where ancient plant medicines from distant corners of the world—ayahuasca from the Amazon, peyote from the deserts, magic mushrooms from forests—are accessible together. No one before mixed them as I did, leading to accidental enlightenment.
It happened between 2018 and 2019 in southern Portugal. One night, I combined ayahuasca, peyote, magic mushrooms, and marijuana. Two nights prior, I'd added a microdose of LSD. During the ceremony, I was served rapé (Brazilian tobacco snuff). As I settled back, my consciousness surged beyond all prior experiences—pulled into a realm of pure light and oneness. I returned shaking, the room aglow. The shamans and 70 participants stared in awe. Two became one: non-duality realized.
Even in 2024, integration continues. I've become a husband to my strong-willed, loyal wife; a father to my clairvoyant daughter and my son, with whom I can now heal and learn from. I cherish them daily, grateful beyond words. This is just the start of my story, rooted in nearly 20 years with plant medicines. Without them, I might have spiraled into death, addiction, or despair. At 36, with my initiating shaman at 106, I have decades ahead to build, heal, and enjoy life with my family.
Just kidding! Or not? First, let’s define what drugs are. I’m not talking about pharmaceutical drugs or street drugs like cocaine and oxytocin. I’m talking about psychedelics.
Hold on! The term “psychedelics” is also way too loaded with culture and different meanings for everyone.
The kind of drugs I’m talking about are actually plant medicines. Plants that have healing effects and spiritual power—they can expand your mind, strengthen your body, guide your spirit, and elevate your vibration. Wait. Hold on! What vibration? What is this woo-woo?
That’s another reason I wrote this book: to give you an introduction to what these plant medicines are and who these native "drug dealers" with feathers are, giving you plants while praying for you. A trip, eh? This is part autobiography and part guide that I wished I had when I started on this journey. Let’s go then!
One principle in writing this book, or a north star, is a question by a famous Silicon Valley entrepreneur and VC who would ask founders or partners: "What important truth do very few people agree with you on?" If I were asked this, my answer is: I have no doubt that there is more to reality than your eyes perceive. There exists a spirit world, life after life; we all incarnate, living on multiple planes of reality that the eye can’t see. Well, some eyes actually can—if trained.
Now we call this ancient sacred wisdom. One day it was common knowledge among Native American Indians and other indigenous peoples. Sadly, most of modern society has lost touch with it. Because this so-called “esoteric” knowledge can be very beneficial in your everyday life. They can be accessed with the proper tools and guidance, and one can channel from there both light and darkness—meaning good and bad, giving or taking.
I’m not pretending to be a doctor, a lawyer, a psychologist, a coach, or a shaman. So take my ideas as inspiration for change, not as some sort of divine doctrine. Even though it feeds my ego to have been named a pajé, a medicine man by indigenous leaders. But most people throw labels around to make sense of the world and fit people into their lives. It’s what we humans do. Each of us is writing our own story in our mind. So in my case, it’s their story and experience—not mine. I have the power to take or reject.
There are risks associated with plant medicine compounds—legal and psychological. In one part of the world, grandmothers smoke cannabis to relieve pain; in other states in the same country, these medicines are Schedule 1 drugs, brainwashed to be as dangerous as whatever.
I am grateful and blessed to have come out on the other side safe and sound. But I do not advise anyone without prior experience to order medicines online and go on solo trips. Please don’t hurt yourself. Please don’t do anything stupid that will leave your mind or body damaged. Unless you want to attain freedom and can cast off the fetters of the body. Listen to your heart and travel into the light.
If you have some previous experiences with plant-based medicines, there’s a good quote I live by from Alan Watts: “If you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eyes permanently glued to the microscope; he goes away and works on what he has seen.” So when data has been downloaded, integrate the wisdom and take massive action. Or if the heart tells you to take some more medicine, listen to your heart.
But don’t be the guy or gal who uses the medicines as a way to escape from yourself. As with everything, overindulgence can have negative effects. If you drink too much water, you can hurt yourself. I’ve been there too. You must become aware of that condition. Even in that can be found wisdom. Cross that plateau. In time you will be ready.
These medicines show you what can be achieved without them. You are limitless. Who you are is limited by who you think you are. Everything is in the mind.
If you do come by some of these compounds and plan to have a psychedelic experience, be very careful about your set and setting. I express my respect and gratitude to these compounds. I use them with a clear intention for personal growth.
Be careful of the person administering them to you. What are their motivations? They channel their energy to you.
Plant-based medicines and psychedelics are being legalized and researched at prestigious universities in the US and UK, which will revolutionize the world of medicine and bring healing in these times of deep disconnection from ourselves and the spirit world.
I do not agree with researchers who are purely scientific and disregard the spiritual. It’s lame and stupid, and to me, they’re missing half of the equation. Maybe it’s not their path to get enlightened in this incarnation. Am I saying I’m better than them? Yes and no. I think they’re in the dark.
I also sincerely believe that all of these plants have a spirit and an intelligence of their own. They pull you to serve a bigger purpose. But don’t forget, within you lies power beyond belief. You can be the master of your fate. I am the captain of my soul. Or you can surrender it over to something bigger. Maybe both ways is the truth.
This will cause the debate that there is a higher plan in play. Yes, but within you lies power to create your own flow. Infinite love, infinite wisdom, infinite power. I mean, what is going on here is that I can write out all my autobiography about my history and experience with the medicines that I have come to respect within my life. I love them, I value them, and I respect them from the depths of my heart. Without them, I wouldn't be writing this book. I don't doubt that I would be somewhere in one of my mother's apartments hiding and ruminating. I would be in pain and angry at the world. Or in the worst case scenario, I would be somewhere in the world that I have no business being in, running away from myself, or even in more hell, I would be somewhere dealing drugs trying to make some money to be a wannabe baller not understanding what my purpose or mission is with that money and why I'd even consider pursuing it to that extent that I need it. Then I'd go spend it on girls and what not.
“Every man has two lives, and the second starts when he realizes he has just one” - Confucius.
My curiosity led me to a plant medicine ceremony, which pulled my heart to a thousand more ceremonies with different medicines. Ceremonies are sacred spaces guided by shamans where medicines are either imbibed or smoked to pray for healing or spiritual growth.
Somewhere on the 8th year of this journey, I was labeled a healer and a pajé by one of the most respected indigenous tribe chiefs and leaders of the Amazon jungle. A pajé is a shaman. A shaman is someone who can operate between multiple dimensions of reality and act as an energy healer or seer.
On my path toward the light, I gradually attained enlightenment until in one ceremony it just clicked. Two became one. I had made it. I found what I had been seeking, but it was here the whole time. Fear of death disappeared, but life became ever more valuable.
I’ve had people get on their knees and pray in front of me. Other shamans have expressed their respect but also jealousy. Many family members and friends have distanced themselves from me.
I’ve attended a few more ceremonies and realized that I shouldn’t go to these ceremonies anymore. I should host my own. Why? Because these shamans equally take as much as they give. But that just might be the interaction of life. We all give and take.
I’m not suggesting that anyone should be like me or imitate my path. I’m pretty unusual and have done things my way. I’ve disregarded common advice from so-called experts and been a lone wolf. Because no one has had my experience, they can’t know what is best for me. The same goes for you, the reader. You know what is best for you. Look into your heart. Listen to the voice within.
This book is about my journey waking up and empowering myself. It’s what I’ve learned in two decades with plant medicines and what I wish I would’ve known before I started on this journey. My mistakes came from not knowing the long-term consequences of my actions, and that brought suffering. Maybe this book will help you get there sooner than I did. This is one of the reasons why I wrote this book.
The other reasons are that I wanted to put this out there for future generations.
I hope you find these ideas useful on your journey. I also hope you disagree with some of them. Then I hope you email me to tell me about your different point of view, because feedback gives me the opportunity to grow and improve my thinking. I don’t take anything personally.
I’m excited to share my story and what I’ve been up to, finish an exciting project, and really just get better at writing and storytelling.
My teacher, at 106 years of age, before passing away, told me that there’s still so much to learn. So I know some stuff, but I don’t take pride in my wisdom. I’m a student 'til the end of this incarnation and onward toward the light.
I, light-born master, wisdom bringer, light among men, Yawa Khan, healer king, limitless soul, be with you and guide you.
What am I saying here? I’m giving you, the reader, a peek into my heart and mind. I’m telling you a story of how one thing led me to another. How my upbringing left me scarred and inspired me onto this path to seek truth.
We’re all spiritual beings having a human experience. In this chapter, I want to express my human side.
So here it begins.
I was incarnated into this body in 1988, and this time my story begins in Estonia, which was still a part of the Soviet Union at the time.
I’ve been told by my parents that I was born dead. Apparently, I wasn’t breathing and had been reanimated by some kind of injection into my heart. God knows what glowing chemicals those Soviet nurses lit me up with.
Looking back through the lens of my experience, it feels as if my spirit was having doubts whether it’s ready to embark on this incarnation's mission.
My mother's story begins in Estonia. My mother was an unexpected child. My biological grandfather was a Jewish hustler in Estonia, and somehow he met my grandmother. My grandmother used to enjoy parties, and my grandfather would enjoy spending his fat wallet on girls. That’s my mother's background.My mother's parents were never together as a family. When my mother was a young girl, my grandmother remarried. I’ve heard stories and experienced firsthand the energy of my mother's abusive stepfather. This guy would throw her out on the streets and tried drowning her in the sea.
My mother never experienced care and nurture. And that lack of security and love left her scarred for life. And without anyone caring for her, she had to go through the hard knocks of life. It wasn’t easy, and I have all my compassion for her. Now more than ever since my personal healing process and when I see little girls being taken care of by their parents. I always feel for my mother and think how she lacked that affection in her life.
Because of that, she can’t give freely. She gives with expectations. But that is not love. That is love from the mind, not from the heart. Because when you give, you don’t expect.
My father's story begins from the Soviet Union. Geographically, he was born in a small Soviet town, Solikamsk, in the middle of Russia, close to the Ural Mountains.
My father’s father passed away very early in his life, and my father was raised alone by my grandmother, who was a strict left-brained high school teacher in chemistry. By my father's stories, he left his home in his teens, traveling through Russia, to Sweden, and finally Estonia. He was a hustler and acquired a lot of
money at a very early age.As I’ve grown older, I do feel a sense that grandparents from my father's side actually loved each other. It’s just sad that they had to part ways at such an early age.
According to my father and our family acquaintances, he had become one of the wealthiest men in Estonia. But with that kind of money and power, there are many forces pulling you. Especially during the wild west of the collapsing Soviet Union and fledgling Republic of Estonia.
People were killed on a daily basis. Because of all these things combined, my father's addictions and stresses brought him crumbling down from his heights. Being attached to his riches and lifestyle, he blamed everybody but himself.
By the way, as I had written most of this chapter in spring of 2019, now as I write this paragraph here in January 2022, my father has passed away.
I digressed. Back to the story.
My mom was put on the spot, and she had to climb out of a challenging situation when my dad started giving up on his family. Today my mother is a self-made entrepreneur from very humble and challenging beginnings. She’s steadily grown her wealth. Her determination and persistence is inspiring.
Reflecting back on my childhood, I never experienced being a part of a family. My parents never had a good relationship. I was raised by my mother and after some point by my grandmother.
Yet the suffering life brought them and the pain they caused each other has been directed at me my whole life. The fear and hate, which manifests from their incapacity to forgive each other and the world at large, has been targeted at me my whole life in the form of psychological abuse. Their incapacity to forgive each other makes them want the other to suffer. They both see a part of each other within me and they blame me for everything. I have no siblings, so I stand alone. For my Estonian grandparents, money talks; my Russian grandparents aren't among the living anymore.
Now that I write this, I have a family—a wife, a daughter and a son. It has been a challenging 5 years but we see light at the end of the tunnel with our wife. Grateful!
Most of my toddler years are a haze. I don’t remember much from those years. But there are three defining memories that I feel give me a sense of understanding who I am and what defined me.
My first memory is pretty straightforward and confidence-inducing. I clearly remember this thought from a young age: “This is your world. You can do whatever you want to.” Setting the stage for limitlessness. For some reason, this memory is strongly intertwined with the second memory of mine: toddler me in my dad's home putting my little hand into his duffel bag full of money and snatching a 20 German franc note from my father's duffel bag filled with cash.
As I’ve progressed toward the light, my intuition whispers that this act made me love money. And the love for money from such an early age pulled me into darkness for almost the next three decades. Money isn’t inherently bad. It’s a tool. But love for money for the sake of money will surely drive you into darkness.
The third vivid memory is from kindergarten. I remember clearly how two boys insulted a girl whom I knew. The result was me grabbing two of them by their collars, pushing them into the fence, and making it clear that there are consequences for your actions. Both of them were surprised and scared. You usually wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to start fights in front of teachers.
When I got a little bit older, I already started having memories. From age 4 or 5 onward, I remember stuff.
From that early childhood on, I felt that something was always pulling me down. In kindergarten, I was having difficulties speaking and learning Estonian. Before starting first grade, I was already playing sex games with dolls and action figures. Even now, looking back on it, I have no idea where these sexual desires rose from.
Because my father is Russian and we never really grew up close during the early years, I didn’t learn Russian at first. But my grandmother and my father tell me that out of nowhere from the age of 5, I started speaking Russian fluently. Everyone was surprised. My parents never had a good relationship. I never had a sense of family. My childhood was spent with my mother and my grandmother. There were moments when we traveled to Sweden with my mother to see my father.
And thus my life has been one long story of transforming wounds into wisdom.
I remember growing up in a broken home. My parents didn’t treat each other kindly. Their arguments happened in front of me. I felt neglected and unwanted. It left me with trauma, a broken mindset, and a broken worldview.
But there’s no one to blame. I could blame my parents, but they didn’t know any better. I could blame society, but society is a bunch of ignorant monkeys living by analogy and imitating what others do.
I was raised like a prince. All my material wants were always satisfied. Mostly, just to shut me up. From the age of 9, I got addicted to porn. When I was 12, my one and only true companion, my black cat Kiki, got ill and died in a matter of weeks.
As I became an adult, things only went downhill.
My close friends moved on with their lives, and I felt left behind. The businesses that I built never really took off. Everything I touched was left in ruins. And my girlfriend who I planned to marry married a billionaire's son instead.
Now that I write this in 2022, this part turned out better for me. I got an awesome loving wife and family. By the way I know my wife from since I was 7 years old. This is actually an amazing story how set out to become a family.
I was hurting inside. I judged, blamed, and hated everyone. I was sabotaging and destroying myself. I didn’t know how to live or love. That left me suicidal, but I didn’t even have the courage to pull off the suicide.
It seems as if this has only been to test my spirit and show me that the material comes after the spiritual. As above, so below.
Growing up in a broken home with broken people leaves its scars.
Maybe it’s my time to teach people how to love.
And I wasn’t a planned child. I don’t think I can even give my father the credit of taking care of my mother when she was pregnant. He didn’t care that much. Only later he said that he loves me so much when there’s no one else in his life. Maybe this is the lesson I had to learn.
I realized they also saw each other within me and they wanted to break the other. It’s a fucking mess. And they didn’t succeed in that either. It only made me stronger and gave me so much wisdom.
My mother would always guilt-trip me. Look how much money I have given you this month, is the radio working, you are not worthy, etc.
My father would always try to put me under. Saying how shit I was at everything. The last seven times I met him, every time he got drunk and started abusing me emotionally.
It was a toxic environment and semi-constant war zone at home. The fear and hate, which manifests from their incapacity to forgive each other and the world at large, has been targeted at me my whole life in the form of psychological abuse. Their incapacity to forgive each other makes them want the other to suffer. They both see a part of each other within me and they blame me for everything. They were draining each other and ended up trying to get energy from me and draining me. Because I was a high-energy kid, you know. Children have this pure high energy. They play. The secret is that you can have this energy all your life.
That made me feel I’m never good enough and that I am the problem of all the world's problems. It’s all my fault.
My relationship with my mother has been a very complex one. Because for most of her life, she was abused by men. And it seems as deep in her heart she has not been able to forgive.
I remember many moments being threatened to be thrown out of home. I remember moments being threatened with a knife just to gain control over me and scare me.
I was raised through a lot of control through fear, shaming, and guilt. What did this look like? And this behavior has carried on into my teens and even adult life.
This left me completely unaware of the concept of a loving and nurturing relationship. And this kind of relationship carried onward into my relationships where I would be in a transactional relationship with my friends. Only being friends with certain kinds of people because I was expecting to get something back from them. Although this has been written in books as well that all of us are by nature selfish people. Being kind and good to people with whom we expect to have some kind of reciprocity in the future. I think this was written in The Happiness Hypothesis or Awareness.
Yet living in this unhealthy environment has been a blessing in disguise, until I learned to see. And more on this in later chapters of the book. But as a child, I didn’t understand anything about these games. As a child, I was trusting my parents to be my guardian angels, and I imagined them to be the smartest people in the world.
I've gained the deepest insight into myself. I've come to understand my interests, psychology, desires, preferences, my aptitudes, etc. Through understanding myself, I've come to understand people really well; it feels like I see through people. It's given me a very strong "why" to the dreams that I had as a child. And this clarity of my life vision and my dreams is what keeps me going, as well as my faith in myself and strong mental, physical, and spiritual health.
To add, I knew my dreams as a kid; as I grew, I lost faith and started doubting myself because I thought my dreams were way too big, and since I lacked a clear why, I thought I was just plain greedy and thirsty for power. Seeing what money and power did to my parents, I wanted to avoid pursuing the same path.
Yet knowing the dark side, I want to only do as much good as possible, and capital is a resource that will help me achieve these dreams of mine.
I've grown up in wealth, and I've seen the dark side of it. It's been a source of wisdom and also clarity, coming to understand that I want to use wealth and power only for the net good. But I’ve experienced so much lies, manipulations, betrayals, abuse, power games, and threats in my life. It has taught me to see through people. And it has strengthened my will to never bend a knee in front of anyone. Couple that with not fearing death, remembering the truth that my soul is eternal, that I had already existed before I was born into this body. I am unstoppable. I will achieve my dreams, my mission, or I will die trying.
I remember thinking that I’m gay; I had great homophobia, because of my father I guess. That was his fear, not mine. This made life super difficult for myself. Because I didn’t love myself, I hated all the fags, I was scared that I’m gay myself, and everything was fucked with women. I mean, I didn’t have a girlfriend, or sort—I was chasing them, not them after me.
I remember reading from Rene Girard on men who are dominated by women, especially mothers, or can’t beat them, they become gay men. I remember the moment something hit through my spine, some energy. A moment of realization and gratitude. It wasn’t my fault. My energy simply need calibration.
So this whole messed-up childhood put me on a messed-up trajectory in life.
I got lost in the way. I literally got lost in my life. I didn’t exist. I was just a bundle of ideas not properly thought through and people putting their realities on me.
As I grew older, I had a lot of friends and acquaintances whom by now I have lost all contact with.
These early years of my life were mostly wasted on instant gratification and hedonism. I spent my time chasing girls, driving fancy cars and playing video games. I was too ignorant to understand the value of life.
I had my first long relationship since I was 17. I was dating a girl who was 21, and we were together for three years. Even she ended up going back to her boyfriend. I think this relationship was mostly based on lust. She had big tits. And all the things she would do with me. Nice.
When I graduated high school, I didn’t know what to do. Everyone around me was going to universities. Everyone. So I did the same. I applied to University of Miami and to Hawaii Pacific University. I wanted to leave Estonia so bad. I just wanted to get out of there, and the only option I knew how to was to rely on my mother and to leave, go, and study.
I didn’t know any of the topics that I wanted to study. I wanted to start a business, so I thought that to start a business you have to study at a university. I didn’t know anything about that.
I stayed in University of Miami. Mostly partying. I was living the life. I even had a sports car that my mother bought me. But after the first semester, I was having doubts that this university was helping me in any way. Also, I felt a deep sense of guilt and waste for having my mother pay nearly $55-60k for my tuition and life in the US for one semester. I thought it was too expensive for the value it provided.
So from there, I went to Estonia. I stayed a semester in the Estonian Business School for a semester. Still wanting to leave. I went to Moscow; I wanted to leave Estonia. So I was in Moscow for a semester. Then coming back to Estonia and graduating here.
This messed-up perspective of life left me hurt, and I was easily manipulated. I remember a quote from somewhere back in the day which I’m paraphrasing, but the idea was: anyone who is always seeking to be saved by another can be easily manipulated. And I always was looking to be saved. Because of all the messy games my parents were playing with me, but on the surface everything seemed fine—me living in a nice apartment and driving a nice car and always having money. It was a giant mess.
I wasn’t living a happy life, and I wasn’t making any of my own decisions. For most of my life until then, someone else's reality had been imposed on me. This left me being easily susceptible to pretty much anything. Girls, people, gifts, “friends,” and drugs. I was chasing the next fix from all the pain and suffering I had within me.
This led me to the gateway drug. But rather than calling it a drug, I’ll call it a medicine. And rather than having a negative connotation regarding “gateway,” I’m going to state my deepest gratitude from the depths of my heart how this plant has been one of the biggest helpers and teachers in my life.
This medicine had come into my life on my twentieth birthday. Way before graduating high school and so on, but I never believed that it’ll be the one opening the door to my world into spirituality and plant medicines.
For the last 8 years, I have been on a journey of healing, learning, self-love, and so on. Friends that were the closest to me, they disappeared from my life, rightfully so..
This whole thing left me broken. And my survival bias kicked in, and I went to heal myself. These are some of the lessons and stories that I learned while healing..
Santa Maria as the gateway medicine. Santa Maria is much more commonly known as marijuana. I’ve coined it Santa Maria, or Saint Mary, because of its feminine energy. Besides, Santa Maria doesn’t carry the baggage of “marijuana.”.
As a teen, I had been programmed by society and family that this is a dangerous drug. And because of that, I would steer away from it. I would much more commonly use alcohol as my preferred substance.
But on my twentieth birthday, I decided to break free from these shackles. I had gathered enough courage and I met this plant for the first time. This sentence just got me thinking how strange society is indeed. Alcohol is allowed, and weed is demonized.
My first experience with Santa Maria was amazing. It was one of the most amazing and joyful nights I had until that moment in life. And it’s continued. Looking back on that twentieth birthday: Thank you. For any of my friends from that era reading this, it was an amazing experience. Thank you all for being there. You know who you are. It was pure joy, laughter, and collectivity with my friends.
Also, it’s the first time I experienced how we can manipulate our mindset. Because before inhaling, I was already giggling. Because I had heard that if you smoke marijuana, it’ll make you laugh. So the wisdom here is to be aware of your own assumptions and programming. You can have a natural and happy state always.
Santa Maria has enhanced my life in many ways. Of course, as a word of precaution and as mentioned before, balance must be maintained with everything. As I’ve said, too much water will kill you too.
It has brought to my awareness the difference in a tense and a relaxed body. I would have an enhanced feeling of my body.
Sex on Santa Maria is always an enhanced experience. I feel my partner on a deeper level.
It would give me a deeper understanding of my thoughts and actions.
My meditations are deeper and more focused. My breath is much deeper and calmer. But truth be told, looking back on it with more wisdom, this can be attained without Santa Maria as well. Because everything is in the mind. But to get there, well, you have to really get to know yourself.
Most likely, the enhancement of experiences with Santa Maria are because of its feminine energy. It has taught me how to hold my energy and instead of letting my energy be drained for me, how to focus and keep my energy.
I’ve had great experiences with this medicine. Even in plant-based ceremonies—I get to hold my energy.
Until that time, I had used marijuana with meditating, but I was hurting all the time. My back pain improved with marijuana; also it improved to the extent that
I could breathe and so on. You know, it made me feel a little less tension in my body; I could be happy and think. Otherwise, I was constantly anxious and overthinking.
Another great story is from an evening I was using Santa Maria in front of my high school with a friend with whom our paths have also distanced. I remember driving back home that evening. Getting home at night, I opened Bloomberg. I saw a Silicon Valley VC talk about a school he was opening for entrepreneurs in the Bay Area.
I checked their website, filled the application within an hour, sent it, and I received a reply the next morning. In short, the reply was telling me that they’ll inform me within a month.
At the time, I had been thinking of leaving Estonia. Because I was together with my girl, and we were considering moving to the UK when she graduated. I had just graduated this winter. So I didn’t want to wait for a month for someone else. I replied with an email saying that if I won’t know within a week, I’ll be moving to the UK. They replied within four days after my application offering me a full scholarship for the next fall session. Reality is negotiable.
The next day, I shared this on Facebook that I’m going to DU. Two of my friends saw it, applied, and came with me. Only to come there, not even say thank you for coming there, and trying to take all the spotlight away from me.
The wisdom here is to work in quiet and don’t share everything with everyone. People will only use it in their favor and abuse it.
I remember when I was really hurt and I didn't know what was going on in my life. I would wake up and be completely lost, not understanding what the hell am I doing in this world. I was in pain; I was in such freaking pain, which was doubled because no one understood me and no one understood what was going under the hood. The person dear to me even took it personally; she thought that I'm using this medicine because I can't bear being with her. It wasn't that. It was because I couldn't bear being with myself; I was in such pain.
So then I remember I got in touch with the head of a biology department in the University of Colorado. I cold-emailed this guy asking why do I feel better with smoking even a little bit of cannabis. He brought an analogy with diabetes. He said, "Look, if there are people with diabetes and use insulin to stabilize your blood sugar levels, there's the same with cannabis that supports your endocannabinoid system. Many people in the world are suffering from their body not producing enough endocannabinoids."
As I’ve grown and learned, I think in terms of mind over matter. And I believe I have the power to heal my body and switch on the switch to produce all the cannabinoids necessary.
In my previous retreat, which I will talk about later, I was hearing my inner voice that now it is time to give up this medicine. Perhaps because it has taught me all I need to know. I am by no means saying goodbye to my dear sister, but it's time to live my own life now, and we will meet less regularly.
Almost always, even with low-quality medicine that I would get in Sri Lanka for example, I would have an enhanced feeling of my body. It would also bring me a different perspective on any situation I’m feeling. Giving some extra touch to go deeper into whatever I’m doing or feeling.
Perhaps the most fascinating story with Santa Maria was the time when I was living in Barcelona for 6 months. In Barcelona, Spain. The state of Catalonia has legalized the consumption of this medicine for health reasons. So much respect to them for that. I would be the daily smoker there. Because I felt how it helped me. I remember this one super specific day when I would go to the super yacht port. I got there, I smoked my blunt, and started meditating. As I started meditating deeper and deeper, I started focusing on how I breathe in life and how I breathe out death. Surely it wasn’t the best methodology, but it’s what I knew at the time. And I remember how I saw all these arrows move through me upwards. That was a trippy visual.
Now when I have used Santa Maria occasionally I really love playing the guitar with it. It’s just something different. There are some links to my music on my homepage.
“Taking LSD was a profound experience, one of the most important things in my life. LSD shows you that there’s another side to the coin, and you can’t remember it when it wears off, but you know it. It reinforced my sense of what was important—creating great things instead of making money, putting things back into the stream of history and of human consciousness as much as I could.” – Steve Jobs
“There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says 'Morning, boys. How's the water?' And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes 'What the hell is water?'” – This symbolizes that most people don’t know there’s this vast space around us.
For the past decade, I’ve tried a lot of compounds. They’ve helped me with unveiling the veil.
What am I trying to say here? This is where my journey starts from into the light. From Santa Maria to stronger plant medicines.
Somewhere in my early 20s, I reconnected with a friend from middle school. He introduced me to Ayahuasca.
Fast forward, he invites me to a plant-based medicine ceremony. To which I went completely alone without any friends because my friend had a change of plans the last moment.
Strangely enough, looking back on it, I’ve never had a ceremony together with him.
First – What’s a ceremony?
Traditionally, the sacred plant medicines are used in a ceremony. A plant is either imbibed or smoked in a spiritual medicine ceremony. Set and setting. The participants will pray for healing or spiritual growth while they sit and meditate. The shamans are the guides of this ceremony. The ultimate purpose of the medicine ceremony is to go back to oneness. Healing obtained in a medicine ceremony happens through our restoration to our spirit and to all that is. Ideally, energetic blockages and spirits will be removed or cleansed in a ceremony so that our mental blockages and limiting beliefs are removed as well. Mental blockages, which are really energetic blockages, are removed. In the end, our problems originate from the separation of oneness.
Uni
I remember driving to the ceremony the first time in my life. It was a weird experience for me. I met all these strange half-hippies who I thought I was above them. And honestly, I still think so that there are levels to this game, and some people are just here to remind me of which way not to go. But smoky mirror.
They are mirrors of me. Should I be humble about this? Sure. But this is my level of self-belief and confidence; maybe some of it rubs off on you.
This was my first experience with Uni. Uni also goes by the name of Ayahuasca. It is an Amazonian plant medicine brew more commonly known by the name of Ayahuasca.
I remember my first ceremony clearly. It was led by a Huni Kuin chief called Txana Bane.
The first experience with Ayahuasca, I didn’t understand that much of the whole thing to be honest. I remember that I saw people throwing up next to me. A hippie was sitting next to me, some guy from Finland who I heard beat his wife afterward or something. My only experience was one experience of fucking weirdness for that ceremony.
The only thing I remember seeing was some kind of energy; the tree in the middle of the room was glowing or shifting. Nothing else to be honest.
This was my first experience. Nothing really changed. I remember afterward.
But this was just the beginning of a journey that never ends. Because one step you take forward only heightens the step.
At the time, I was attending many ceremonies in Estonia with the same people.
As I went deeper into the ceremonies, I started learning a lot about the spirit world. About what type of people are there.
I started seeing deeper truths. I started seeing hungry souls.
I was attending ceremonies in Estonia all the time with different medicine people, and somewhere along the way, I was starting to get a sense of what was actually happening to me and what life actually meant. I started waking up. Before I was asleep, I was manipulated by my family.
The thing with plant medicines is that at some point in my life, I started going all in on the wisdom I learned through plant medicines and all of the other world around me.
I’ve been blessed to walk this path the way I did. Even though I didn’t feel the emotional support from my mother, she always gave me money. She would spend it on random things for me but not for the things necessary for me, but I was never supposed to work for food and shelter. I am grateful for this. But if you observe with family, you realize how disconnected the whole thing is.
The way I would study with plant medicines is mostly keeping to myself and learning to keep my vibe and not give it away.
Life was changing a lot at the time. My relationships started falling apart, my relationships started falling apart with my family; I started taking a stance for what I thought was right.
I tried building a business at the time. I tried many things, but all the time I felt that I need to go back deeper to the world of plant medicines. Like I was hoping that there was another breakthrough to come. I look back on it now; there was a time when I felt the need to go for plant medicines. I felt like I had to go; I was even taking loans to go and learn. I think it might have been because I wanted to feel some kind of relief or feel better. Maybe the contrast of how bad my life was in this reality, I just wanted to leave.
By the way as I write this in August 2026 I feel it’s time to build a business and improve my craft. Still to be determined.
Kambo
Kambo, also known as the "frog medicine," is derived from the secretion of the Phyllomedusa bicolor frog in the Amazon. It's applied to small burns on the skin, inducing intense purging—vomiting, sweating, and sometimes diarrhea—to cleanse the body of toxins and negative energies. I underwent the Kambo ritual three times in three hours during one session, a traditional "triple stack" to deepen the detox.
The process is brutal but purifying. Each application felt like fire spreading through my veins, my heart racing as if it might burst. I purged violently, releasing not just physical bile but emotional baggage—anger from childhood, fear of abandonment. By the third round, I was exhausted, but clearer. Kambo taught me resilience; it's a warrior's medicine, forcing you to confront weakness head-on. Post-ritual, I felt lighter, my energy renewed. But it's not for the faint-hearted—always with a trusted facilitator, as it can be dangerous if mishandled.
Bufo (Continued)
After that initial Bufo experience, I returned to it sparingly, respecting its power to dissolve the ego completely. In one session, I felt my body disintegrate into pure vibration, merging with the cosmos. It showed me that "I" am not this form but an eternal consciousness. Bufo's lesson: death is an illusion; we are infinite. Yet, integration is key—coming back, I struggled with everyday reality feeling mundane. It's a tool for profound reset, but use with caution; it can shatter unprepared minds.
Magic Mushrooms (Continued)
Beyond the attachments released, magic mushrooms opened portals to ancestral wisdom. In one ceremony, I journeyed through time, reliving my father's traumas as if they were mine, understanding his harshness stemmed from unhealed wounds. Another time, the fungi revealed interconnected webs of energy, showing how my actions ripple across lives. Psilocybin's gift is empathy and perspective; it humbles while empowering. Current research backs this—it's used for PTSD and depression, rewiring the brain toward positivity. For me, it was a bridge from isolation to unity.
Peyote
Peyote, the sacred cactus from North American deserts, brought visions of vast landscapes and inner truth. In a Huichol-led ceremony, I ingested the bitter buttons, and reality expanded. I saw myself as part of an ancient lineage, connected to warriors and healers. "Rudy Nahuimitl" echoed—the Nahuatl phrase "I am nothing, I am everything"—reminding me of humility amid power. Peyote's slow, grounding journey taught patience; visions unfolded over hours, revealing personal myths to dismantle. It's a teacher of self-acceptance, stripping illusions to reveal core strength.
Rumé (Rapé)
Rumé, or rapé, became my daily ally for grounding. Blown into the nostrils via a tepi pipe, it clears the mind, aligns chakras, and invokes protection. In ceremonies, it centered me before deeper dives, its tobacco spirit fierce yet nurturing. One time, a strong serve opened my third eye wide, showing energy flows in the room—hooks from others trying to latch on. Rumé's wisdom: boundaries are sacred; use intention to shield. It's not psychedelic but amplifies awareness, a tool for clarity in chaos.
Spirit Animals
As medicines deepened, spirit animals emerged as guides. The eagle first, symbolizing vision and freedom; I strapped its feather as an antenna, controlling room energies like a wand. In visions, wolves taught cunning, bears strength, snakes transformation. I realized they're not separate but aspects of self—I call on them as needed. Encounters signal calls to action; an eagle sighting means rise above. They're totems for empowerment, reminding us we're part of nature's web. Now dogs have been shown the way to accumulate wealth. Strange but it resonates with me. I’ll keep it my secret.
Collected Wisdom from Ceremonies (Integrated Here for Flow)
Throughout these journeys, pearls of wisdom accumulated:
* Fear no man; I am the world. Censor nothing, only try to get better.
* If I love myself, I attract love; do not search or wait—know the right moment.
* The spirit's way is gentle; no need to force or hurt myself.
* Challenges grow us; comforts weaken—echoing Genghis Khan's legend.
* Everything is energy; I can inhale sickness, exhale healing.
* Kindness shields from negativity; it's a mastered armor.
* Intention from the heart; abuse power, and it backfires.
* We are connected; acknowledge influences but don't engage.
* Dreams heal or sicken; face fears in them for growth.
* Small actions compound; start, finish, but know when to quit mastery.
* Gratitude heals; thank all who enable the path.
These aren't dogma but tools; test them on your path.
Last but Not Least – LSD, MDMA, and Other Chemicals - My forays into synthetics were limited, preferring nature's gifts. MDMA once opened heart chakras in a guided session, flooding me with compassion for past hurts. But it felt artificial, lacking plants' spirit. Chemicals can open doors, but plants hold the keys longer. I advise caution; they're potent but lack the organic intelligence.
This was my leap year. I traveled a lot. I went to Sri Lanka, then to Koh Phangan in Thailand, then to Bali, Indonesia, to Portugal for 3 days, to Mallorca, Spain, for a month or so. Then to the Eagle Condor festival in Brazil at Alto Paraiso. From there, I went to the rainforest to the Yawanawa family in the state of Acre. I know Biraci, Nawashahu Yawanawa, Peu Yawanawa. But honestly, I don’t think that is the path for me anymore. Maybe one day. But not really going their way. Maybe travel with my family when they are older.
I was in the rainforest for 3 months with that tribe. We had a lot of ceremonies, a lot of singing, lots of growth and connection.
I also had a 1-month diet there with those people. But at the end of the dieta, I kind of just wanted to run away. It was not a friendly environment. I literally just felt like our energies were bouncing. It’s the same here. Nowhere do they treat me like I treat myself. Treat myself like a king and make my way in this world.
I remember a day when we had been taking ayahuasca for the whole day during the day. I took like 8 cups. I went so far in the spirit world, wishing someone would hug me. But no one hugged me. I realized I must hug myself. No one will love me more than I love myself. I discovered self-love. Actually, I remembered self-love. Because the seed of self-love I discovered in Thailand the same year.
I digress with the stories, but I want to say what needs to be said. In Thailand, at the resort named The Sanctuary, I was walking in circles in one of their yoga halls—the one that is big and on the lower level. I was pacing around for 3-4 hours, just making circles. And then out of nowhere, I felt how something blossomed in my heart. The seed of self-love. I saw this vision without any psychedelics.
So before the dieta, I was in the village of Nova Esperança—New Hope for the Yawanawa people. I was sleeping in a hammock in the chief's house. I had been listening to a podcast or either read a book on Chinggis Khan. During that night, the spirit visited me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, and there was someone there. I felt his presence everywhere. I thought it was Chinggis Khan himself. Or maybe it was the creator himself. I wasn’t afraid of it, but I felt the presence clearly. It was friggin' everywhere.
Anyway, after the dieta, I went back to Europe. I met my mother in Portugal, Porto. I remember how my leg got swollen over there. I guess it got swollen because of those cookies I ate after I got out of the rainforest. Because I was so pure in the dieta and after the dieat I just poured junk into my body. I didn’t know any better how to integrate.
I went back to Estonia. I lived in my mother's house in Lohusalu. I wasn’t happy there. I had my wish to go to Mongolia, to visit the path of Chinggis Khan. So I decided to do that. I went and got myself a visa in Stockholm. I took out a loan and used that money to buy tickets to Mongolia.
I remember writing to tour agencies for someone to take me to the Mountain of Burkhan Khaldun in Mongolia but the replies were negative. I had even written to the President of Mongolia before, because at the time it was only for diplomats and local spiritual people to be permitted to the mountain.
I traveled there anyway and when I got to Ulaanbaatar I found someone to take me to the mountain. The driver was nice. He was a local guide. He could say yes and no in Russian. Laughing out loud as I think of this. But we enjoyed each other’s company.
It took us like 1.5 days to get to the place. I actually got to climb it on my birthday. I don’t know when it was—maybe somewhere like a decade ago?
Anyway, we went there. Got to sleep in the van for the night. We were meant to meet some people with horses who would be as guides to get me up to the mountain. I think they never found us. So we moved onward to the bottom of the mountain and luckily got to climb the mountain alone.
I ate magic mushrooms and cannabis cookies while ascending the mountain. I also fasted. So I climbed to the top. I took a rest for 30 minutes somewhere 1/3rd up. I felt like the mountain spirit took me in. There were wolves, bears, deer in the park. Big area. National park.
As I ascended, I remember feeling like the wind, the universe was blowing in circles around me. Talking to my spirit. Connecting. I also remember when I reached the top, I saw like an angel figure telling me, "You made it, now you can live on your own terms."
When I descended, then I remember hearing men on horseback, like the army of Chinggis Khan chasing me away.
The story of going to Brazil to see Kuauhtli after my father had passed.
In the ceremony, it was just me, holding my energy. All of them wanted it. I didn’t share any. I learned a lesson there. My father had passed 4 weeks after the ceremony, approximately.
My father's death in 2019 hit like a thunderbolt, amplifying the grief from years of strained relations. Four weeks after a ceremony with Kuauhtli—a Mexican healer blending Nauhatl traditions with plant medicines—I felt his absence acutely. In that circle, I held my energy fiercely; others sensed it and reached for it, but I guarded it like a fortress. It taught me sovereignty: share only when willing.
Returning to Brazil in 2023 to deliver the chief's knife was symbolic—a promise kept on his birthday. My energy felt potent, equaling or surpassing theirs. Back in Estonia, local shamans tried suppressing it, perhaps envious. But I contained it, using wisdom to navigate.
At the Yawanawá retreat in Akasha (November 2023), I stayed for two-thirds of the week, witnessing wonders. On the second ceremony night, after a song, I exhaled skyward—a blue snake, the universe's serpent, circled the fire. I carry that cosmic energy, a blessing realized.
Side note: If someone talks uninterestingly while pulling your attention, no obligation to stay—leave.
These returns reinforced growth: grief as catalyst, boundaries as power.
Intuition guided my dives into medicines, pulling me to ceremonies despite horrors. Why return? The call was stronger than discomfort, promising breakthroughs.
Yawanawá heal through dreams—visions as messages from spirits. In the rainforest, dreams revealed Genghis Khan's presence, urging Mongolia. I trusted, and it unfolded.
First rainforest visit: Immersed in Yawanawá ways, ceremonies unveiled truths. Yawa's initiation at 106 inspired longevity; his passing later felt like a torch passed.
Why nothing worked? Parents drained energy from ignorance. Medicines showed this, empowering rejection.
Enlightenment dawned gradually, culminating in Portugal's mix: ayahuasca, peyote, mushrooms, marijuana, LSD microdose, rapé. Consciousness pulled beyond, returning in light. Oneness.
Trust dreams; they heal. Intuition is the compass.
I had a lot of beautiful dreams and stories in the journal during my first diet in the rainforest. They’re gone now. A memory of mine.
Truths destroyed illusions: Mother's energy drain, shamans' subtle takes, Earth's pull. Pulled from stars to heal, I learned rejection.
No shaman heals you—they guide; you do the work. Society's fucked; parents take unknowingly.
Eternity revealed pre-enlightened slavery. Unlearned limitations via plants: parents don't know best, governments don't save.
You make rules; self-imposed limits bind. Positive constraints focus energy.
Reconstructed reality post-ceremonies: YouTube, books built my worldview. Parents resisted awakening; I deepened through conflict.
Summon via mind; wisdom = power. Existentialism: create meaning, become Übermensch.
Tested constantly: Told "not the one," Bali's devil (Baphomet) symbolized knowledge. Mother claimed lost soul; others projected fears.
Answers within; believe or not. Define self; give meaning.
Prophecy informs; walk alone. Decide destiny—create it.
Overcome doubt: Society imposes; override. Believe capabilities; go all in.
Chapter 16: Faith – Indestructible Self-Belief
Father's disbelief mirrored his own. Do impossible; forge nature.
Believe irrationally: savior? Yes. Faith > knowledge.
Stand ground against all. Name: Yawa Khan, healer king.
Died at 29 metaphorically; reborn. Old energies pull—resist, take back.
Enlightenment gradual, burst in Portugal. From nihilism to oneness.
Saw Buddha, Jesus—own way. Transform rage or destroy if needed.
Self-love seed in Koh Phangan bloomed in dieta, oneness in mix.
Human: love, rage. Ascend free.
Self-love: virtues blend. Single-player game; no one loves you more.
Body orbits soul's fire. Inhale energies; see truth, bend reality.
Push energies; make cough. Seven doors opened.
All in mind; truth frees. Write to clarify.
Special? Yes—wisdom universal. Deep thought awakens.
See through people.
Suicide worsens; overcome now. Afterlife exists; plateaus, not limits.
Second life realizing one. Don't squander time.
Value life over fear. No regrets; decisions only.
Fear-setting. Naked already; follow heart.
Fear mind-killer; face, remain.
Doubt stops? Contact heroes—possible.
Chapter 19: The Real “Most” Amazing Year of My Life – Family and Integration2022: Father's apartment mine. Married childhood love 2020; daughter, pets, more planned.
Prayed for known woman; heart granted.
Gifted half apartment to wife.
Mystery experienced; give to receive.
Integration: 2024, manage energy. Husband, father—blessed.
36, shaman 106; build, enjoy.
Fun project, respect depth.
All-in medicines per heart. Aggregate capital for worldview.
Create self; privilege acknowledged.
Heal via journeys; universe tests want.
Capitalistic shaman: win, top. Why not?
No secret: work, determination.
Channeled angels; chief: "Curandero."
Life create—Shaw.
Happiness choose over fear.
Fuck up? Forgive, forward.
Self-actualize: heal, love. Forgive; enough.
Enlightened like Buddha? Live fully—sex, rage, compassion.
Next: Capitalistic Shaman.
Trust reading over university. Medicines guides; wisdom vast.
End: peace seeking external love; keep vibes.
I remembered the second time in Brazil rainforest visiting the Yawanawa. I was standing in the middle of the ceremony field in Nova Esperanca and doing rapé while Rasu was going in circles around me with snake energy with the retreat people following him. I remember feeling how my body was like a hologram, like a vehicle and I was its pilot.
I also remember how Rasu and the people from Mutum were singing and I saw how like a gate / spiral came down around them from the sky. That was some real stargate stuff.