Freedom Through Creation

I've been in a long battle with indecisiveness, low energy, negative thoughts, demons, and all kinds of things. I feel like much of it stems from lower vibrational frequencies. I mean, I live in a place where most people have never done any deep work with plant medicines. They're just average Joes, and if you think differently, they'll hate you for it.

And I'm stuck here because of my own stupidity and not listening to God. I've had multiple encounters where I felt God was directing me, yet I strayed from the path because of my own arrogance.

So now I live in my mother's house. She's a nut. Basically, she hates me because I received a message during a plant medicine ceremony that she had been siphoning energy from me. When I confronted her and tried to put a stop to it, things only got worse. I feel like she's actively trying to destroy me, involving the police, child protective services, or whatever else she can use to break me and my family.

The only reason I can live in her house is because she wants her grandchildren to be in her vicinity. While she claims she doesn't have a son (I have no brothers or sisters.)

And I was stupid to waste so much energy trying to convince my wife of what a madhouse I believe my mother's house to be. I was also stupid enough to listen to my mother when she promised to support me and my family. On top of that, I took in two dogs and two cats, which have become another reason I'm stuck in one place. But giving them away also feels wrong.

It feels almost like I sold my soul to the devil. Sometimes, the energy surrounding my mother feels downright evil.

All this chaos has left me confused. I've had to think through some pretty fundamental questions, including whether I should get divorced. Eventually, I realized that, on an energetic level, I don't want to get divorced. If I stay married, I'll be much closer to my son than I would be if I left.

Divorce would open the door to a new life, new women, and new possibilities. But I don't want that. I want to be a father to my children. I don't need more children with more women. That would scatter my energy and, in my view, divide my children's lives and energy as well.

Writing and thinking have given me clarity. Sometimes, it feels as though there's some strange force pulling me into a hole, making me lose focus. Having conversations with myself and with AI has helped me work through things, figure out what to pursue, and identify a direction to move forward in. I feel like I've finally reached a turning point.

I experienced what I understood as enlightenment. I experienced a tremendous amount of spiritual power. I sometimes feel that the shamans I've encountered are trying to pull from my life force and energy, and I don't think much of them. I've wondered whether jealousy plays a role in how they relate to me. I reached a profound state during a ceremony where I randomly combined six different plants.

Anyway, I've been wrestling with whether I should build something with AI, agents, blockchain, and crypto, or start creating educational content about spirituality, energy, healing, psychology, family relationships, and related subjects.

Both paths genuinely excite me.

I'd love to advise high-net-worth individuals like Elon Musk and grow my own cannabis for ceremonies. At the same time, I'd love to own and build a company or product like Polymarket or Mailchimp. I think that would be fucking awesome.

I don't want to build something like SpaceX or Tesla if it means sacrificing my entire life to it. I'd love to work 40–60 hours a week and spend the rest of my time with my family.

But the way my mind works, I don't feel like I have the time or space to pursue two projects simultaneously: a media company and a product company. Chase two rabbits, catch none. There's something energetically wise about putting one ball in motion and pushing it forward with everything I've got.

Besides, for a long time, I've been talking myself out of creating spiritual content. I don't want to be the guy interviewing people or making content about them. I admire David Senra, but that's not my thing. I'd rather be the guy on the other side of the table, the one being interviewed.

David Senra talks about obsession. I think obsession is spiritual. You discover something you genuinely love, and you have the courage to pursue it with everything you've got.

Manic obsession without some kind of balancing practice, however, can become a psychological sickness.

I can see myself working 100-hour weeks on a single project. But I'd need to balance that out with at least an hour a day with my children and a consistent health practice. Eventually, I'd want to bring my workload down to 40, 60, or 80 hours a week. Or perhaps I'd work all of them. Meaning that, in a sense, everything I do becomes part of the work.

What drives obsession?

I think it's either an overwhelming determination to win or a life situation you want to escape as quickly as fucking possible.

Look at Elon Musk. He put himself in a position where he had to go all in, committing virtually everything to his mission. And look where it's taken him. I've done something similar in my own way, but I've also taken on commitments that demand a lot of me, including my four- and two-year-old children.

By the way, mission first is a great way to start any endeavor. My mission is to get my family out of this Estonian hell hole. But for my business I don't have a clear mission / vision yet. I mean the easy choice is to pursue the mission of healing people of their childhood trauma and limiting beliefs.

So what drives people like that?

Childhood trauma. Not feeling accepted. Neglect. The need to prove your worth to others, hoping that success will somehow make you feel whole.

Maybe that's part of it. But I think there's another possibility: genuine love for the work itself.

The thing is, I need to be optimistic enough to believe in something before the evidence is there. I need to go all in on one direction, keep pushing, and give it a real chance until I win. Then I can write and speak about spirituality, cannabis, and everything else that interests me.

So why does crypto attract people who don't want to ask permission?

I sense that the internet-native generation has learned enough to see through some of the bullshit surrounding control: banks, governments, and corporations shaping narratives, manipulating people, and protecting their own interests.

Crypto offers the possibility of building systems that don't require permission from traditional gatekeepers. It gives people an opportunity to own things, exchange value, and coordinate with others outside some of the established structures of power.

Perhaps my own experiences with psychedelics and what I understood as enlightenment, nonduality, and the oneness of the universe have shaped how I see all of this.

I see everything as energy. That's the fundamental axiom through which I interpret the world.

And I don't want to support systems built around control, especially when that control is exercised by people who are broken inside and get a power trip from controlling others.

I want to build something that gives people more freedom, more ownership, and more agency over their own lives.

Maybe that's the thread connecting everything I'm interested in: spirituality, entrepreneurship, AI, crypto, and the desire to build a life on my own terms.

Freedom through creation.